As 40 looms...

As far as blogs go...I have three. I hope no one really knows about this one - Dad and Sandy are the only ones that i think that could. Instead, I hope this is really I can write about all the crap I am going through without reproach, phone calls, concerned emails, etc. Here I am, about to turn 40 years old. FORTY years old. And yet, I feel 25. I won't say 18...this body has been through too much. But FORTY. There are stupid things that I have done that could have killed me - experimented with drugs, driven drunk/high, slept with people I didn't know. Yet here I am - at 39 years, 3 months and 11 days. SHIT - that means only 10 days until my birthday. I am not usually weirded out by birthdays, but this one is hitting. I know that it is just because I am unemployed....thank God I am not in danger of losing my house right now. I do not know the future. Only God does. And I am putting my life in His hands. I don't know what to do about work...I just don't know which way to go. And I need to get the divorce final. Well, started anyway. The atty I had was full of bullshit. He did nothing but email papers to me for us to fill out, which we did, emailed back....and nothing. I now want a refund. Getting another atty will be more expensive, but necessary. I need to get this behind me. I NEED A JOB!!!! I need to start training for the 1/2 marathon in September. Have you noticed I NEED a lot of things, but all of them depend on me. Getting off this couch, doing something. Doing more than barely existing. I am starting to get little things around the house done. There is so much more that I WANT to do. (and NEED to do to keep us from getting sick this much).

Anna is a gem. I wonder what she thinks about all this. She has too much on her shoulders. I try to lighten the load as much as possible, but there is only so much I can do. I have set her limits, make sure to NEVER talk bad about Dave -- and I don't. The limits are going better. She is really into the computer right now. Homework first - then 1/2 hr on the computer. That's it.

That is all I can think about right now. Just tired.

If anyone reads this...it is not about you.

Poetic Emesis

They tell you in school that you need to know who, what, why, where, when and how. It's not as easy as Ms Plum in the library with the candlestick. Life sucks sometimes. And it is never easy, never clear, never sensible.

There are times in life:
when you just want to live through this one minute.
when you want a moment to last forever.
when your innocence is lost.
when you realize that what you thought was innocence was just stupidity.
when you wonder what happy is....really is.
when all you want to do is sit in the corner and cry --- but you can't cry.
when you can't stop crying no matter what you do.
when something that is absolutely perfect turns out to be completely wrong for no apparent reason.
when you don't know who to trust, and you don't know if anyone should trust you.
when you are a really good friend, and other times you are a really bad friend.
when people you never thought would leave are suddenly gone.
when you are no where near where you thought you would be/should be.
when you have to give up everything - and let go.
when you really wonder if there is a bottom of the pit and why you can't just hit it already.
when life surprises you - truly surprises you.
when you should keep your mouth SHUT.
when you should scream at the top of your lungs about the injustices in the world.
Life does not tell you the difference.

There are things in life that are just wrong, evil, unexplainable and cruel - cancer and AIDS are two of these things.

There are things in life that are beautiful, pristine, and unexplainable - rain on a tin roof, friends who won't leave despite how much you push them away, the trust of a pet, unconditional love (though so very rare).

So, where does this leave us? Remember -- who, what, why, when, where and how. Answer these questions, and you will still not understand.

Just live. Remember - this is just poetic puke.

Actually a post from Saturday

So, today was the day. I have a great friend online who just inspires and motivates me. She earned $14,000 last year and is upset that she didn't save more (she only saved about $4000). HUH? As a nurse, I make WAY MORE than that...and yet I have nothing to show for it. I had not looked at my bills in two months. I have been so overwhelmed that my head is barely above water. As I would get cut off notices, I would pay what I could. Well, that is no way to live. I tackled the stack of papers in the kitchen today. Bills from november to present. I don't quite have a handle on it yet. I need to visit the websites to see where I really stand - because most are different than the last statements I've gotten. BUT, I DID IT!!! I tackled the mound, got it organized. I also used my new bill organizer that Santa gave me. I have to get caught up. D is sending me a very generous check (loan). I will be able to get caught up!!! I am so excited!!!

I also had to face the fact that I am in horrible shape and have gained 37 pounds since last April. It is time to do something about it. My motivational friend - she is amazing. We will be meeting to do the VIRGINIA BEACH MARATHON on Sept 6, 2009. I am SO excited. DD is up for it too! And I get to stay at my cousins and see the baby! (who won't be a baby anymore!). If anyone else wants to join, come on. Training starts tomorrow!!! (Nope, not even waiting until Monday - Santa also got me a jump rope!).

I missed out on coffee this morning. I was up super early, then went back to bed and slept until TWO! I am always tired. Always. I felt so much better when I was working out. Now that I have a goal again....I am so hopeful that I can feel good again. I hate that I missed time with friends that I haven't seen in far too long. I AM SORRY!!! C - you are right about the depression and me not wanting to interact. I am working on it. I am also hopeful about that.

So, today was about facing fears. Money fears, health fears, friend fears (sorta). Tomorrow starts "THE TIME TO ACT!!!!!". Exercise in the morning, laundry, maybe to Commerce to get scrubs with my gift certificate. Back to work Monday. I have not worked two full weeks in a row --- THAT is changing on Monday. I want my life back. I want to feel good, meet friends for coffee, exercise, have less stress and just be me! Watch out, Karen will be back soon!!!! I AM READY TO GET MY LIFE BACK!!!!!

What have I done???

OK, I have gone and done it now. I have registered for the Virginia Beach 1/2 marathon on September 6, 2009. ACK! So, time to get off my butt and on the treadmill again. And outdoor training now...because this summer will not be fun to be running outside.

Then what? MY FIRST FULL MARATHON - in LAS VEGAS no less - it is in the first week of December. I can't price plane tickets etc yet - it is too far out. But, if I am going to do a marathon in my 40th year...this is the one I need to do.

I am so excited/scared/sore already!!

Whew, I am beat today. Yesterday at work was very busy - I expected it since I knew we were getting in two new wound patients. BUT, one showed up with NO notice from the other hospital and the other showed up around 4:40 in the afternoon. Here's the thing about this hospital. When a person arrives, this is what they get....thier nurse (trying to do admit paperwork), MD (doing his assessment, getting a history and writing orders), the dietician (to ensure proper diet ordered), the business office for signatures, rehab for a quick consult if not treatment (if they arrive early enough), the wound nurse (to establish what issues there are and create a plan of care), respiratory (if pt is on the vent or needs resp treatments). I THINK that covers it. One of the families said that the hospital they came from, well, they never saw anyone. And they see all of the above (almost) everyday. Not to mention the chaplain and social work. Overwhelming much? Today was spent trying to get everyone really settled in.

We are increasing our census as quick as they can get them approved and accepted. We have 13 patients today (one discharge, no admits). We MAY have three admits tomorrow (one discharge). It is going to be a crazy job, a crazy time, and a fun time. We are revved up and hopefully ready to go. But, going from 13 to 40????? As quickly as possible? Should be interesting. I will post when I can...if I don't drop from exhaustion.

Inauguration

OK - a quick blog about yesterday. Watching Obama sworn into office was incredible. I had the pleasure of being with a 70-something black woman who grew up in Alabama. She intermittently would tell stories. She didn't know why, but she was one of a couple of "colored" girls allowed into the local drug store to buy ice cream...of course, it had to be eaten out back. She would go in and get it for her friends and they would eat it out back - not really thinking anything of it at the time. She recalled chaperoning a class field trip and the car/vehicle breaking down, but the men at the service station would not come out of the building to help them. Amazing things, stories.

And with Obama - I have hope. I know that change will not come in a day. It may not even come during his administration. But I have hope that it will come. And I actually laughed at loud (Reverend Lowery in the Benediction): Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around ... when yellow will be mellow ... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen So, while yellow is mellow, and I will not ask black to get in back, and brown can stick around, and the red man can get ahead man.....this white will try to embrace what is right. Obama's speech was inspiring. But this to me hit it right on the head. We ARE all equal. That there are people out there that are still racist and teaching racism doesn't amaze me...it sickens me. It floors me that there is that ignorance still in our society. I am so glad and so grateful that no one tried anything stupid yesterday. Holding hands with Mrs C - she cried at times, I teared up at times...what an amazing experience.
Except, she was watching to see if she could find her brother on the TV - he didn't have a ticket, but he was going there anyway. THAT was a bit funny too. Spike Lee, Oprah, we saw them. But we couldn't find her brother!!!!Anyway, yesterday was a GOOD day in history. Unlike 9-11, the devestation during the civil rights movement, the wars in Iraq and in many, many other countries, tribal wars in Africa.....yesterday was good. History was made.