As 40 looms...

As far as blogs go...I have three. I hope no one really knows about this one - Dad and Sandy are the only ones that i think that could. Instead, I hope this is really I can write about all the crap I am going through without reproach, phone calls, concerned emails, etc. Here I am, about to turn 40 years old. FORTY years old. And yet, I feel 25. I won't say 18...this body has been through too much. But FORTY. There are stupid things that I have done that could have killed me - experimented with drugs, driven drunk/high, slept with people I didn't know. Yet here I am - at 39 years, 3 months and 11 days. SHIT - that means only 10 days until my birthday. I am not usually weirded out by birthdays, but this one is hitting. I know that it is just because I am unemployed....thank God I am not in danger of losing my house right now. I do not know the future. Only God does. And I am putting my life in His hands. I don't know what to do about work...I just don't know which way to go. And I need to get the divorce final. Well, started anyway. The atty I had was full of bullshit. He did nothing but email papers to me for us to fill out, which we did, emailed back....and nothing. I now want a refund. Getting another atty will be more expensive, but necessary. I need to get this behind me. I NEED A JOB!!!! I need to start training for the 1/2 marathon in September. Have you noticed I NEED a lot of things, but all of them depend on me. Getting off this couch, doing something. Doing more than barely existing. I am starting to get little things around the house done. There is so much more that I WANT to do. (and NEED to do to keep us from getting sick this much).

Anna is a gem. I wonder what she thinks about all this. She has too much on her shoulders. I try to lighten the load as much as possible, but there is only so much I can do. I have set her limits, make sure to NEVER talk bad about Dave -- and I don't. The limits are going better. She is really into the computer right now. Homework first - then 1/2 hr on the computer. That's it.

That is all I can think about right now. Just tired.